I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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