Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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