I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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