I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
