The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
