The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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