I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
