i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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