The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
