We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
