I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
