she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
