Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
