I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
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Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
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Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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