Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
