he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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