he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
