he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
