Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
