Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
