if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
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I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
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Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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