Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
