"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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