Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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