oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.