his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!