i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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