he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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