I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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