I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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