if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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