mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
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Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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