Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
