I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
