Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
