If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
