Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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