Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
