I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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