happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
