they need to just BURY HIM!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
