I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
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