Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
