I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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