So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My cat gives me a boner
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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