Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
