At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
