Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.