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hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Randomize
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