Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
