just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I think I just shit out all my problems.