Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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