They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I wish they made helmets for livers.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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