I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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