So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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