You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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