if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The Olympian is in my bed
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
